The "writing on hotel paper" strikes me as a little overused. Maybe it's just the word scraps...why not pads or pages? Also, Oxford-clad seems a little excessive in terms of description. It's not really necessary to know the type of shoe--what's more important is that it's worn by "the rich."I find that my life has been lost – all I recorded
on sad scraps of hotel paper
has found its home under Oxford-clad feet:
between the rich and the rain-drenched pavement.
The subways in the grandest city? I would've said, "the city's grandest subways," as it seems more natural that way. If you mean the grandest city, I would suggest changing it.grandest city’s subways
Awkward! Perhaps just "I found a fiber-optic life waiting for me," and cut "In living no life."In living no life, I found a fiber optic one
I don't understand the significance of these numbers...are they intended to represent binary code?cell 01010110
Strong ending, definitely.carve capitalism into a brick wall
for all the cavemen to read in ten thousand years.
I don't see exactly how the first stanza ties into the second and third. The second and third describe an escape from imprisonment by technology, and suggest the decline of society, but the first seems like a completely different poem.
-Colleen
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
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